Some days

Some days I can’t see the forest through the trees. Some days I can’t see the sun through the clouds. Some days the dark seems brighter than the light. Some days I see it all so clear. I see I’m strong, confident and kind and the good days out number the bad. Some days I just put my head down, gather my thoughts and go for it!

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Pic

Take a picture.
It may be the first, third, 100th or 1000th picture you’ve taken.
Take selfies, take group pictures, take family pictures.
Pay for them, barter for them, make a deal but take the f’n picture!
Tomorrow is not promised and yesterday is a memory.
Capture them in black n white, snap chat or Polaroid.
But take the picture.
Those that follow behind you deserve to see the foot prints you left behind.
Stop.
Take the picture.

Today

I lost my focus today, forgot my way. I got lost in self-doubt, forgot who I am. Today, I forgot I am a strong, beautiful woman, whose husband and children love her. I let my self confidence shutter and lose strength.

Today, would have been the day I told my girls they are fearless and brave but I could not tell myself the same. In the mirror I saw weakness, an awkward child. Today, I did not see a child who maintained a home and kept life moving forward. Today, I saw fragile.

Tonight I found my way, my voice, my strength. I was reminded by no one else but me that I am better than my worst days. I reminded myself that even on my darkest day, I’ve got this.

Most random

For some strange reason THIS memory popped in my head. So I thought I would share…

When I was 10 my dad died. He had cancer.

While undergoing radiation treatments. We made a lot of trips to Billings from my small town of Forsyth. It was the closest, large hospital to handle his care. We often would make trips to my mom’s brother’s house while in Billings.

Lex (her brother) and my Aunt Karen, had 4 boys at the time. The youngest two at least 6 years younger than myself.

While there for a visit one time my younger cousin, Zane (I believe) brought my dad a handful of (what was a childproof) Tylenol and handed them to my dad and said….

“Here Uncle Chuck, these will make you feel better.”

….I can’t remember our responses. Something along the lines of how did he get the bottle open!???”. Lol

They use to be all painful memories now there is an ability to see the humor. I don’t miss him less just handle it better.

Between

Oh, what a place to be,

Caught on Earth

In a place

Between heaven and hell.

You chose to stay,

Live out your days,

Caught,

Between heaven

And hell.

We watch from a far,

With pain in our hearts,

Caught

In between our own

Heaven and hell.

Do we speak,

Lay it all on the line

In hopes of some freedom.

This in between.

Do we speak

The truth,

Roll the dice,

Take a chance that you will see

What we see

Or

Stay quiet,

Let you do as you will.

This in between heaven and hell.

Do we stay so quiet,

So calm,

So still,

Not rocking the boat,

Just staying the course,

Let you do as you will.

For the day

Will come

No words spoken

Will be heard

and

Then we

Forever

Will be stuck on Earth in

True hell.

My book

I told someone the other day “It’s not good for the depression.”

Their response, “No way, you don’t have depression!”

Makes you think of the saying “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”

See my cover looks like sunshine, conversations, smiles and kindness.

My pages say: There are mornings I struggle to face the day, I don’t want to shower or put makeup on. I cry at commercials and stories on Facebook.

I’ve led an interesting life filled with weekend visit to the mental hospital and nights spent in the ER because I couldn’t see the light in my tunnel. Hell, I wasn’t even sure they installed a light switch!!

My pages say: I’ve spent amazing times with my family and friends creating unforgettable memories. I laugh, I cry happy tears, I make a fool of myself and drink to much tequila. (In that order, not the other way).

My pages say:. She’s complicated but loves with her whole heart, even if there is a chance it will break.

My pages say: A LOT.

But my cover, my cover is cool, calm and collected. Picture a duck in the water, calm up top, paddling like hell underneath.

I randomly took a trip down memory lane the other day back to my 16 year old self.

I had just started waiting tables when the new asst. Basketball coach came in for lunch. Long story short I dumped an entire plate of hot fries in his lap! As the years past we became and remained friends. Years later he and my bff actually saved my life.

I hadn’t talk to him in a couple years when I messaged him on FB to say, Hi!

We chatted back in forth for a bit and it felt GOOD to reach out.

How many people in our life have touched us and left a mark?

A mark of found memories and stories to be told. BUT we get busy with every day life, we move, start families and become wrapped up in our present lives.

We put the past to bed, as we all know nothing can be changed. We can’t live in our memories but it is nice to occasionally travel down memory lane and when we do- WHAT IF- we also said hello to those we haven’t talk to in ages? Pick up the phone, dial it, Facebook messenger with it, Skype, FaceTime, the possibilities are endless. Remember those that changed your life and say Hi and catch up! Let me know how it turns out.

Over due

I’m way overdue for a post.

As I drove to town today I couldn’t help but be a little blown away by the splender of where we are now living. It has taken a little time to get settled and the building of our house should start sooner over later.

We have met some amazing people since we got to this small community in the mountains of Colorado. My faith in humanity is slowly being restored. I still see some of the political B.S. that goes with anywhere a person lives but overall it appears this is a community that remembers neighbors come first and people are just trying to build a life of contentment.

My family’s depression and anxiety didn’t leave just because we changed time zones and zip codes. It’s still there and being as our routines are a little on their head we take the time to do daily medicine reminders.

My daughter had an anxiety attack a few weeks back as I was traveling to S. Dakota to see my bff and my daughter was at work. She managed through it and is learning that food service will never be her cup of tea but she is learning the valuable lesson I wanted her to learn. Which is this. She may never do customer service/food service again in her life but there are those who do it for a career and it is as important to know how to treat others. She has seen the good, the bad and the ugly that the food service world can be. And for her it triggered an anxiety attack but she is figuring it out!

My husband’s anxiety is still present and tends to show up in the middle of the night. Which leads to turning lights on and letting him get his bearings. He too is figuring it out.

As for me. I’m good. A little emotional as usual but holding up well. I feel like being in Colorado has allowed me to get my feet back under me. It has reminded me I’m tougher than I think and I just need to follow my head and heart.

I’m relearning to love who I am at heart.

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