Most random

For some strange reason THIS memory popped in my head. So I thought I would share…

When I was 10 my dad died. He had cancer.

While undergoing radiation treatments. We made a lot of trips to Billings from my small town of Forsyth. It was the closest, large hospital to handle his care. We often would make trips to my mom’s brother’s house while in Billings.

Lex (her brother) and my Aunt Karen, had 4 boys at the time. The youngest two at least 6 years younger than myself.

While there for a visit one time my younger cousin, Zane (I believe) brought my dad a handful of (what was a childproof) Tylenol and handed them to my dad and said….

“Here Uncle Chuck, these will make you feel better.”

….I can’t remember our responses. Something along the lines of how did he get the bottle open!???”. Lol

They use to be all painful memories now there is an ability to see the humor. I don’t miss him less just handle it better.

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Between

Oh, what a place to be,

Caught on Earth

In a place

Between heaven and hell.

You chose to stay,

Live out your days,

Caught,

Between heaven

And hell.

We watch from a far,

With pain in our hearts,

Caught

In between our own

Heaven and hell.

Do we speak,

Lay it all on the line

In hopes of some freedom.

This in between.

Do we speak

The truth,

Roll the dice,

Take a chance that you will see

What we see

Or

Stay quiet,

Let you do as you will.

This in between heaven and hell.

Do we stay so quiet,

So calm,

So still,

Not rocking the boat,

Just staying the course,

Let you do as you will.

For the day

Will come

No words spoken

Will be heard

and

Then we

Forever

Will be stuck on Earth in

True hell.

My book

I told someone the other day “It’s not good for the depression.”

Their response, “No way, you don’t have depression!”

Makes you think of the saying “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”

See my cover looks like sunshine, conversations, smiles and kindness.

My pages say: There are mornings I struggle to face the day, I don’t want to shower or put makeup on. I cry at commercials and stories on Facebook.

I’ve led an interesting life filled with weekend visit to the mental hospital and nights spent in the ER because I couldn’t see the light in my tunnel. Hell, I wasn’t even sure they installed a light switch!!

My pages say: I’ve spent amazing times with my family and friends creating unforgettable memories. I laugh, I cry happy tears, I make a fool of myself and drink to much tequila. (In that order, not the other way).

My pages say:. She’s complicated but loves with her whole heart, even if there is a chance it will break.

My pages say: A LOT.

But my cover, my cover is cool, calm and collected. Picture a duck in the water, calm up top, paddling like hell underneath.

I randomly took a trip down memory lane the other day back to my 16 year old self.

I had just started waiting tables when the new asst. Basketball coach came in for lunch. Long story short I dumped an entire plate of hot fries in his lap! As the years past we became and remained friends. Years later he and my bff actually saved my life.

I hadn’t talk to him in a couple years when I messaged him on FB to say, Hi!

We chatted back in forth for a bit and it felt GOOD to reach out.

How many people in our life have touched us and left a mark?

A mark of found memories and stories to be told. BUT we get busy with every day life, we move, start families and become wrapped up in our present lives.

We put the past to bed, as we all know nothing can be changed. We can’t live in our memories but it is nice to occasionally travel down memory lane and when we do- WHAT IF- we also said hello to those we haven’t talk to in ages? Pick up the phone, dial it, Facebook messenger with it, Skype, FaceTime, the possibilities are endless. Remember those that changed your life and say Hi and catch up! Let me know how it turns out.

Over due

I’m way overdue for a post.

As I drove to town today I couldn’t help but be a little blown away by the splender of where we are now living. It has taken a little time to get settled and the building of our house should start sooner over later.

We have met some amazing people since we got to this small community in the mountains of Colorado. My faith in humanity is slowly being restored. I still see some of the political B.S. that goes with anywhere a person lives but overall it appears this is a community that remembers neighbors come first and people are just trying to build a life of contentment.

My family’s depression and anxiety didn’t leave just because we changed time zones and zip codes. It’s still there and being as our routines are a little on their head we take the time to do daily medicine reminders.

My daughter had an anxiety attack a few weeks back as I was traveling to S. Dakota to see my bff and my daughter was at work. She managed through it and is learning that food service will never be her cup of tea but she is learning the valuable lesson I wanted her to learn. Which is this. She may never do customer service/food service again in her life but there are those who do it for a career and it is as important to know how to treat others. She has seen the good, the bad and the ugly that the food service world can be. And for her it triggered an anxiety attack but she is figuring it out!

My husband’s anxiety is still present and tends to show up in the middle of the night. Which leads to turning lights on and letting him get his bearings. He too is figuring it out.

As for me. I’m good. A little emotional as usual but holding up well. I feel like being in Colorado has allowed me to get my feet back under me. It has reminded me I’m tougher than I think and I just need to follow my head and heart.

I’m relearning to love who I am at heart.

Father’s Day.

Father’s day.  A day I celebrate out loud and one I celebrate quietly. 

I celebrate out loud for the amazing man who agreed to raise me.  Who agreed he would call me daughter regardless the struggle I was in.  The man who didn’t know he would be a referee but does the job like a natural pro. The man who agreed to love me as his own.

I celebrate quietly for the man who helped give me life, who agreed to give me a name so close to his I might as well be a junior, the man who showed me how to fire a gun, pitch a tent, use a fishing pool.  

Both men made me who I am today.  For that thank you, love you, adore you!

Happy

Why is it that the hardest time for me to write is when I’m happy?  I can pour my soul out when I feel pain but I don’t know how to express when things are going good.  Seems backwards!

So, today I write about the joy in my life.  

We are moving, again.  I find calm in the chaos that is the moving process.  There are so many unknowns and no, I’m not always happy about that but in general, I’M GOOD.  I’m level headed, I’m focused, I’m happy, I’m driven, I’m really good!

Headed north.  Colorado. In a valley of the mountains.  I’ve always loved the mountains.  This move gives me peace.

I find calm in this chaos.

Why?

Next.

What a place of bliss.  We are in Colorado for a long weekend.  Trying to get our moving plans finalized.  

It has been a mostly tranquil weekend.  One rain storm we weren’t prepared enough for, one bid placed on a property, one trip to the modular dealer, those things-not so tranquil-but it’s beautiful here.  

The mountains go on for as far as you can see and there is still snow on top of them.  It’s truly breath taking.  

This place puts my husband’s anxiety at ease and the property we are looking at is secluded, quiet and relaxing.  What more  could we ask for?

I ask this.  Please, let my kids love it here. Let them find peace, an intercalm and calling to what they want out of life. Please, let life just go with the flow.  May the wind be at our back. May we find relief from the stresses that holds us close.  (Like a child with their blanket.) Stress wraps us in it’s warmth. Please, let me know that all this, is for something. That this hustle and bustle is for a bigger picture, a goal.

That what we have mapped in our heads and on paper can come full circle.  Maybe not a better life or a worse life but a life that makes us feel fulfilled.

That is what I ask of this new venture.

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