I randomly took a trip down memory lane the other day back to my 16 year old self.

I had just started waiting tables when the new asst. Basketball coach came in for lunch. Long story short I dumped an entire plate of hot fries in his lap! As the years past we became and remained friends. Years later he and my bff actually saved my life.

I hadn’t talk to him in a couple years when I messaged him on FB to say, Hi!

We chatted back in forth for a bit and it felt GOOD to reach out.

How many people in our life have touched us and left a mark?

A mark of found memories and stories to be told. BUT we get busy with every day life, we move, start families and become wrapped up in our present lives.

We put the past to bed, as we all know nothing can be changed. We can’t live in our memories but it is nice to occasionally travel down memory lane and when we do- WHAT IF- we also said hello to those we haven’t talk to in ages? Pick up the phone, dial it, Facebook messenger with it, Skype, FaceTime, the possibilities are endless. Remember those that changed your life and say Hi and catch up! Let me know how it turns out.

Over due

I’m way overdue for a post.

As I drove to town today I couldn’t help but be a little blown away by the splender of where we are now living. It has taken a little time to get settled and the building of our house should start sooner over later.

We have met some amazing people since we got to this small community in the mountains of Colorado. My faith in humanity is slowly being restored. I still see some of the political B.S. that goes with anywhere a person lives but overall it appears this is a community that remembers neighbors come first and people are just trying to build a life of contentment.

My family’s depression and anxiety didn’t leave just because we changed time zones and zip codes. It’s still there and being as our routines are a little on their head we take the time to do daily medicine reminders.

My daughter had an anxiety attack a few weeks back as I was traveling to S. Dakota to see my bff and my daughter was at work. She managed through it and is learning that food service will never be her cup of tea but she is learning the valuable lesson I wanted her to learn. Which is this. She may never do customer service/food service again in her life but there are those who do it for a career and it is as important to know how to treat others. She has seen the good, the bad and the ugly that the food service world can be. And for her it triggered an anxiety attack but she is figuring it out!

My husband’s anxiety is still present and tends to show up in the middle of the night. Which leads to turning lights on and letting him get his bearings. He too is figuring it out.

As for me. I’m good. A little emotional as usual but holding up well. I feel like being in Colorado has allowed me to get my feet back under me. It has reminded me I’m tougher than I think and I just need to follow my head and heart.

I’m relearning to love who I am at heart.

Father’s Day.

Father’s day.  A day I celebrate out loud and one I celebrate quietly. 

I celebrate out loud for the amazing man who agreed to raise me.  Who agreed he would call me daughter regardless the struggle I was in.  The man who didn’t know he would be a referee but does the job like a natural pro. The man who agreed to love me as his own.

I celebrate quietly for the man who helped give me life, who agreed to give me a name so close to his I might as well be a junior, the man who showed me how to fire a gun, pitch a tent, use a fishing pool.  

Both men made me who I am today.  For that thank you, love you, adore you!

Happy

Why is it that the hardest time for me to write is when I’m happy?  I can pour my soul out when I feel pain but I don’t know how to express when things are going good.  Seems backwards!

So, today I write about the joy in my life.  

We are moving, again.  I find calm in the chaos that is the moving process.  There are so many unknowns and no, I’m not always happy about that but in general, I’M GOOD.  I’m level headed, I’m focused, I’m happy, I’m driven, I’m really good!

Headed north.  Colorado. In a valley of the mountains.  I’ve always loved the mountains.  This move gives me peace.

I find calm in this chaos.

Why?

Next.

What a place of bliss.  We are in Colorado for a long weekend.  Trying to get our moving plans finalized.  

It has been a mostly tranquil weekend.  One rain storm we weren’t prepared enough for, one bid placed on a property, one trip to the modular dealer, those things-not so tranquil-but it’s beautiful here.  

The mountains go on for as far as you can see and there is still snow on top of them.  It’s truly breath taking.  

This place puts my husband’s anxiety at ease and the property we are looking at is secluded, quiet and relaxing.  What more  could we ask for?

I ask this.  Please, let my kids love it here. Let them find peace, an intercalm and calling to what they want out of life. Please, let life just go with the flow.  May the wind be at our back. May we find relief from the stresses that holds us close.  (Like a child with their blanket.) Stress wraps us in it’s warmth. Please, let me know that all this, is for something. That this hustle and bustle is for a bigger picture, a goal.

That what we have mapped in our heads and on paper can come full circle.  Maybe not a better life or a worse life but a life that makes us feel fulfilled.

That is what I ask of this new venture.

Thought for the day.

They say when one door closes another one opens.  Guess in my world it is that kind of day.  

Our house is under contract and it looks like the move we have been discussing the entire school year is finally taking shape. 

I’ve seen people react with joy, bewilderment, and anger.  I get all of those reactions but I must be wired differently.  Who am I kidding I know I’m wired differently.  

My point is, I try to react to other people decisions with understanding.  I don’t walk in their shoes I try not to assume anything.  I try to be supportive.  Let them cheer in their moments of joy, let them cry in their moments of sadness and revel in all of their achievement.  

Would it be so bad if we all tried it.  I have said it many times and I’ll say it again. 

If my friends and family are happy so am I; it is what they need from me.  In their times of excitement and/or stress who am I to shovel on my emotions for them to carry as well?

I guess what I’m saying is… who are you to be shoveling your shit on my pile?

Keep going

I have 4 tattoos.

1.  The rose on my foot with my dad’s initials.

2. The one that reminds me to relax.

3. The infinity with my bff’s initial and birds flying​to represent our children.

4. The one on my arm that says Keep Going.

That is what we must do.  We may have a mental health issues.  Maybe it is PTSD, maybe it’s postpartum, maybe it’s situational, maybe it is short term, maybe it’s chemical. Whatever it is, we must keep going.

Through the minute, through the hour, through the day. We keep going.

When we want to stay in bed, when we want to hide, when we want to avoid the world.  We keep going.

Depression will not win.

I support Project Semicolon.  https://projectsemicolon.com/

I try.

I was diagnosed with depression at 19.  I’m pretty sure I have had it since I was 17.  Depression has taken many of my days it has also made me appreciate things in a different light.  Yes, sometimes I still take things for granted but I try not to.  I try to appreciate my family and friend to the fullest.  I try to be an understanding wife and mother.  I try to see the glass half-full instead of half-empty.  Sometimes I get it right sometimes I’m way off base.  I try to face my fears and live without regrets.  Somedays I succeed.  Somedays I fall flat on my face.  I try to teach my children to be kind, always.  We do not know what it feels like to walk in someone else’s shoes.  We don’t know what kind of day they have had. Somedays I have road rage and somedays I give a person in need my last 5 bucks.  

I feel by depression is a blessing and a curse but I try….

Mother’s Day

I was raised by a truly amazing woman.  She taught me when you think you are tough, be tougher.  She raised two children and when I was 13 gained four more.  She decided if she was going to make a “man’s wage”, she would need to do a “man’s job”.  She did it for years through rain, snow, ice, the death of her husband and an hour drive each way for work.

She taught me to stand up straight, take pride in myself, speak my mind, work for what I want, be kind to others and keep my chin up.  

For these reasons.  I am who I am!  Thank you, Mom!

Happy Mother’s day to all those mother’s out there showing their kids how to get it done!

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