Father’s Day.

Father’s day.  A day I celebrate out loud and one I celebrate quietly. 

I celebrate out loud for the amazing man who agreed to raise me.  Who agreed he would call me daughter regardless the struggle I was in.  The man who didn’t know he would be a referee but does the job like a natural pro. The man who agreed to love me as his own.

I celebrate quietly for the man who helped give me life, who agreed to give me a name so close to his I might as well be a junior, the man who showed me how to fire a gun, pitch a tent, use a fishing pool.  

Both men made me who I am today.  For that thank you, love you, adore you!

Happy

Why is it that the hardest time for me to write is when I’m happy?  I can pour my soul out when I feel pain but I don’t know how to express when things are going good.  Seems backwards!

So, today I write about the joy in my life.  

We are moving, again.  I find calm in the chaos that is the moving process.  There are so many unknowns and no, I’m not always happy about that but in general, I’M GOOD.  I’m level headed, I’m focused, I’m happy, I’m driven, I’m really good!

Headed north.  Colorado. In a valley of the mountains.  I’ve always loved the mountains.  This move gives me peace.

I find calm in this chaos.

Why?

Next.

What a place of bliss.  We are in Colorado for a long weekend.  Trying to get our moving plans finalized.  

It has been a mostly tranquil weekend.  One rain storm we weren’t prepared enough for, one bid placed on a property, one trip to the modular dealer, those things-not so tranquil-but it’s beautiful here.  

The mountains go on for as far as you can see and there is still snow on top of them.  It’s truly breath taking.  

This place puts my husband’s anxiety at ease and the property we are looking at is secluded, quiet and relaxing.  What more  could we ask for?

I ask this.  Please, let my kids love it here. Let them find peace, an intercalm and calling to what they want out of life. Please, let life just go with the flow.  May the wind be at our back. May we find relief from the stresses that holds us close.  (Like a child with their blanket.) Stress wraps us in it’s warmth. Please, let me know that all this, is for something. That this hustle and bustle is for a bigger picture, a goal.

That what we have mapped in our heads and on paper can come full circle.  Maybe not a better life or a worse life but a life that makes us feel fulfilled.

That is what I ask of this new venture.

Thought for the day.

They say when one door closes another one opens.  Guess in my world it is that kind of day.  

Our house is under contract and it looks like the move we have been discussing the entire school year is finally taking shape. 

I’ve seen people react with joy, bewilderment, and anger.  I get all of those reactions but I must be wired differently.  Who am I kidding I know I’m wired differently.  

My point is, I try to react to other people decisions with understanding.  I don’t walk in their shoes I try not to assume anything.  I try to be supportive.  Let them cheer in their moments of joy, let them cry in their moments of sadness and revel in all of their achievement.  

Would it be so bad if we all tried it.  I have said it many times and I’ll say it again. 

If my friends and family are happy so am I; it is what they need from me.  In their times of excitement and/or stress who am I to shovel on my emotions for them to carry as well?

I guess what I’m saying is… who are you to be shoveling your shit on my pile?

Keep going

I have 4 tattoos.

1.  The rose on my foot with my dad’s initials.

2. The one that reminds me to relax.

3. The infinity with my bff’s initial and birds flying​to represent our children.

4. The one on my arm that says Keep Going.

That is what we must do.  We may have a mental health issues.  Maybe it is PTSD, maybe it’s postpartum, maybe it’s situational, maybe it is short term, maybe it’s chemical. Whatever it is, we must keep going.

Through the minute, through the hour, through the day. We keep going.

When we want to stay in bed, when we want to hide, when we want to avoid the world.  We keep going.

Depression will not win.

I support Project Semicolon.  https://projectsemicolon.com/

I try.

I was diagnosed with depression at 19.  I’m pretty sure I have had it since I was 17.  Depression has taken many of my days it has also made me appreciate things in a different light.  Yes, sometimes I still take things for granted but I try not to.  I try to appreciate my family and friend to the fullest.  I try to be an understanding wife and mother.  I try to see the glass half-full instead of half-empty.  Sometimes I get it right sometimes I’m way off base.  I try to face my fears and live without regrets.  Somedays I succeed.  Somedays I fall flat on my face.  I try to teach my children to be kind, always.  We do not know what it feels like to walk in someone else’s shoes.  We don’t know what kind of day they have had. Somedays I have road rage and somedays I give a person in need my last 5 bucks.  

I feel by depression is a blessing and a curse but I try….

Mother’s Day

I was raised by a truly amazing woman.  She taught me when you think you are tough, be tougher.  She raised two children and when I was 13 gained four more.  She decided if she was going to make a “man’s wage”, she would need to do a “man’s job”.  She did it for years through rain, snow, ice, the death of her husband and an hour drive each way for work.

She taught me to stand up straight, take pride in myself, speak my mind, work for what I want, be kind to others and keep my chin up.  

For these reasons.  I am who I am!  Thank you, Mom!

Happy Mother’s day to all those mother’s out there showing their kids how to get it done!

Choices

In life we are given choices.  PB &J or bologna, heels or sneakers, lettuce or romaine, diet or don’t, learn daily or buck the system, rent or buy, play in the rain or stay dry, move cross country or stay put, get up and get started or stay in bed.  

Oh, there may be the most important choice. Get up and get started or stay in bed.  By putting our feet on the floor and standing up we have picked the right choice.  We have decided to face the day.  We may not have enjoyed the day and we may come home exhausted mentally and physically but we have made it though. 

The depression did not win.  We did.

Sunday.

Sunday.  I love Sundays.  I sat and caught up on the Chicago TV shows today. Fire, PD, Med.  Med is not my favorite but each time I watch it I’m hooked.  Occasionally, they touch on mental health.  Lately, it is more often. 

One of the Dr’s is having a mental break.  I’m fasinated.  I’m​ grateful.  Why?  Because, they are focusing on a subject most would like to leave in the dark.

I had drinks with friends the other night.  We were discussing everything that came to mind.  I became the subject of the minute for about 10 minutes.  We discussed my work habits, my crazy personality and my family.  All of which can make me laugh or cause me to spit fire. 

I am a hard worker.  I will come in early, work through lunch and do anything asked of me.  Somedays….I can’t do those things, hell I can’t get out of bed much less be an over achiever.  The swing between the two drives my boss crazy.  (I know for a fact, we have discussed it at length.)

I have a crazy loud personality. I laugh loud, I talk loud, i sneeze loud, I train others loud and I argue loud.  Somedays…you wouldn’t know I was in the room.  I hide in my work, put in my headphones and can not carry on a conversation.  The swing between the two gives other and myself whiplash.

I have a family, I love beyond words.  My oldest fights depression and anxiety.  I worry every day.  My husband fights depression, discovered in the last year. We have been married 15 years.  It is an adjustment. I worry about him daily.  Sometimes…I can hide my concern for them, somedays it controls me.  The swing between the calm and the worry is gut wrenching.  

I can be fine at 10 am. I get one bad text from my kid at 10:05 and I’m a nervous wreck about her for the rest of the day.

It is exhausting to be inside my head and  I know I am not alone. 

So on a Sunday, when I sit to watch a TV show millions watch every week.  I’m thankful they put some focus on a real world problem.

Proof that I (we) truly are not alone.

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